In 1989 I decided to take some classes to deepen my education in pastoral counseling. The courses included a variety of subjects, including several on temperaments. During this study I discovered that some folks have a naturally demanding temperament while others may be more passive. My most surprising discovery was that most of my closest relationships all share a more demanding temperament. So I asked myself, "Why am I investing in friends and family relationships that put pressure on me?" My answer is simple, "They get more out of me than I would get out of myself."It is not that I want it to be this way, but I have simply had to admit that others help me grow and improve in ways that I have not done on my own.
I have also heard people say that you cannot quit a bad habit for anyone else. You can only quit for you. I'm not sure it is that cut and dried. My dad started smoking when he was in his teens. By the time I was in late elementary school he was smoking three packs per day (60 cigarettes!). Often he would light the next one with the one he was just finishing. We tried so many things to motivate him to stop. He would try to stop occasionally, but he could never make it last.
Then one day in December of 1986, he came to visit us in Ohio. I still have the picture of him holding our two oldest sons on his lap that day. The boys were not even three and one years old yet, but he was so proud of them. That very day I asked him if he had given any more thought to ending his relationship with cigarettes. I was just so concerned for his long-term health. He told me he would give it some serious consideration, but he had tried to quit for 42 years and just couldn't seal the deal.
But quit he did. In February of 1987, just two months later, he quit for good. It's been over 22 years. When he had his double-bypass and two artificial heart valves installed in December of 1997, his doctor commented on how great his lungs looked, AND that it was a godsend that he had quit smoking a decade before!
A few years ago I asked my dad to reveal his secret to finally breaking that habit. His response was typically simple. "I didn’t want to be the person that taught my grandsons to smoke," he said.
I replied, "Wow. That’s it?"
He further clarified his answer. "Sometimes you can know what you ought to do, even if it would be the best thing for you, but for some reason or other you are not motivated to do it for yourself. But when you realize that someone else you love is being negatively affected by the way you live or the things you are doing, that love can get you to take the steps you know you needed to take."
That made sense to me. It is a case where the motivation to do something is actually a combination of internal and external factors. He was motivated by his love for his grandsons, and he was motivated by the desire that they would learn positive things from him and not negative.
I guess sometimes it takes others to get more out of us than we would get out of ourselves. This is something like "As iron sharpens iron, so let one man sharpen another" (Proverbs 27:17).
Although the apostle Paul assured the Corinthians that he did not want them to give out of compulsion because God loves a cheerful giver, he did not hesitate (2 Corinthians 8 and 9) to apply some spiritual persuasion on them. He does the same thing with Philemon and several others in his ministry that needed some spiritual prodding to give themselves fully to God. Jesus was inclined the same way when he knew his disciples needed to step up to their spiritual potential and calling.
This 40-Day Journey is certainly a challenge, and ultimately we will be better Christ-followers as a result. As is true with many things in this life, the right amount of pressure can actually be a very good thing.
- Don McLaughlin
